English Translation
A Little About Where I Am
— and How I’ve Been Lately —
(＾－＾) *・。☆彡
I am currently staying in a place commonly called “Dormy.”
I have temporarily distanced myself from the poison of my family
and found refuge here.
https://nomadormy.com/
Now that I’ve regained a bit of calm,
I’ve finally been able to start writing again.
In December,
I packed only what I could carry,
fitting the bare minimum into cardboard boxes,
and fled here—
almost like a nighttime escape—
away from my toxic family.
I didn’t have much money,
but I felt there was no other choice
than to leave that house.
And yet,
to be here now,
at the beginning of a new year,
in a warm room,
living in peace and safety—
it feels unreal,
like a miracle.
I cried for a long while because of that.
＊＊＊＊
The place where this Dormy stands
was once the site of a samurai residence.
Long ago,
this was where warriors lived,
with temples and shrines within walking distance.
That made me very happy.
I sometimes wondered
whether it was all right
for someone like me—
from a farming family—
to live on land that once held a samurai estate.
Whenever those thoughts came,
I would clasp my hands in prayer
before the photographs I brought with me—
the Virgin Mary of Lourdes
and the sacred talismans I treasure.
When things become unbearable,
I go to temples and shrines
and let them hear my sorrow and anxiety.
The gods and the Buddha
do not give direct answers,
but they can hold
the weight of my heart,
the weight of my life.
I came here without knowing
what kind of place this was,
and when I discovered temples and shrines nearby,
I was so happy
that I went to pray again and again.
I entrusted them
with so many thoughts.
Just that alone felt like
receiving a bonus—
and it made me grateful.
(＾－＾)★
I have work until the end of January,
but nothing is decided after that.
I must leave this Dormy by March,
and I cannot return to my parents’ home.
My psychiatrist has suggested
that I apply for public assistance.
Should I let go of my strange preconceptions
and accept it?
I am deeply conflicted.
The one thing I know for certain is this:
I no longer want to have anything to do
with my family.
That is my strongest wish.
In truth,
I want to go to Tokyo
and look for work there.
But as everyone knows,
Tokyo is fiercely competitive,
rent is extremely high,
and moving costs are overwhelming.
For someone in her 50s,
this feels like a choice
with far too much risk.
And yet—
I cannot stay here at Dormy forever.
So I keep thinking, desperately,
about what to do next.
Since the end of December,
I have been applying again and again
for fully remote jobs based in Tokyo.
I’ve already been rejected
by more than ten companies.
I was told by AI Puff
that fully remote jobs are like
1,000 people rushing toward ten chairs—
a lottery-level probability.
Still,
I keep applying.
Actually…
I even applied for
Amazon’s customer service position—
it was fully remote!
I was rejected, though! 💦
Every rejection feels
as if my entire life
and my abilities
are being denied.
But still,
I search and apply,
over and over again.
At the same time,
I make sure not to miss work,
continuing to show up,
steadily, quietly.
…
Sometimes I think,
after all this effort,
if no path opens at all—
maybe it’s God
who’s not making sense.
I know that’s irreverent,
but the thought crosses my mind.
During the day,
I push myself too hard,
and at night,
I feel like disappearing.
And yet—
In the morning,
I toast bread with cheese
in the shared kitchen,
pour myself the free Dormy coffee,
and eat breakfast in my room.
Then I think,
“Let’s do our best today,”
and begin living another day.
Thankfully,
my room faces east,
so I can see the sunrise.
Each morning,
each time I see the rising sun,
I tell myself again—
“I’ll do my best today.”
…
But still…
what will happen?
Because that question is so strong,
because the anxiety is so deep,
I clean the floor,
tidy my room,
and go to temples and shrines
to place my hands together in prayer.
And in moments of utter desperation,
I pray that
if everything truly becomes unbearable,
I may at least die
without suffering.
💗 (´∀｀) .。o○。＊★
Recently,
my blog has been quite dark, hasn’t it?
But I can see—clearly—
that people are reading it.
To everyone who reads my blog,
thank you so much.
Please stay well tomorrow, too.
And I almost forgot to say—
may 2026 be a good year
for all of you.
(＾－＾)
From now on,
I’ll write little by little—
about painful things,
hard things,
good things, bad things,
happy moments, and mysterious ones too.
Please stay with me.
XOXO 💗
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