Good evening!
(´∀｀)💦
It’s been a while.
Somehow, I’m still alive.
As always, so many things have happened.
The other day, I wrote that I had started working as a telephone operator.
And then—
someone like me, who originally does things like fortune-telling, entered the world of telephone work.
The company, the workplace—
everything seemed to fall into confusion.
Part of the reason was that I have a disability.
After all, I can’t always do ordinary things in the same way ordinary people do.
I sometimes move in irregular ways, and that confused the people around me.
When I realized that,
I decided to quit the job,
and I sent an email saying that I wanted to resign.
It happened to be during Golden Week,
right in the middle of a long holiday,
so the office staff were away.
I thought it would cause trouble if I suddenly took the day off without saying anything,
so today, I went to work
and did my duties.
At one point,
tears started overflowing,
and I wondered what would happen if I had to answer the phone like that.
Then,
the young girl sitting next to me—
a girl young enough to be my daughter—
started helping me.
She summarized the manual in a notebook so it would be easier for me to understand.
She wrote down phrases in bullet points so the words would come out more easily.
She took care of me,
a fifty-year-old woman,
as if I were a small, fragile mother.
And again,
I almost cried.
Because that in itself
felt like something precious.
It felt like a kind of “good fortune”
that you don’t easily encounter
just by living an ordinary life.
Workplaces are tough, aren’t they?
You have to step into the unknown
and face things alone.
And yet,
someone helped me.
The supervisors helped me too.
And meanwhile,
the email I had sent about resigning
was still sleeping quietly in the inbox,
unseen by the office staff.
…
I wondered
what was going to happen to me.
What should I do?
It may sound foolish,
but the weight of work,
the weight of money,
the worry of paying rent,
and the heaviness of being alive—
all of it felt so heavy
that I wanted to bend my body down and pray,
“God, Buddha,
please carry my burden for me.”
….☆
And then,
there was also the slander that began on TikTok.
One night,
someone sent me a comment,
written line by line,
with each word separated:
“Old hag. Fat. Ugly. Die. Disgusting.”
I have been trying so hard to live,
but for a moment,
I wondered if I might be killed one day.
And before that happens,
I thought,
I want to be happy.
In the midst of all that,
the kindness of that young girl
brought a kind of “salvation”
to the wounds in my heart.
While wondering what will become of me,
I still feel
the gravity
of my own life.
I don’t want this anymore.
I may not be able to live for very long,
but tomorrow,
I hope I can be well.
And to all of you,
please stay well too.
(´∀｀) → (´;ω;｀)
XOXO
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