みえないもの。
今日
I finally quit my telemarketing job.
And somewhere inside myself,
I wondered if this meant
my life was slowly coming to an end too.
But today,
I went to participate in a fortune-telling marché.
Do you remember?
The organizer I talked about before.
She always seemed to think about me —
and not only me,
but all the women who were participating there.
She was like a mother to everyone.
The kind of person who gently protects weak women like me.
She felt like someone spiritually “high.”
A person who respected Kannon-sama
and prayed to Fudō Myō-ō.
Yes…
She was someone whose heart was turned toward the Buddha.
Maybe that’s why.
When I told her that the offer from the fortune-telling company had disappeared,
she told me not to worry about it.
She said that perhaps the beings protecting me,
or fate itself,
simply did not connect me to that place.
And that was all.
She herself had gone through many hardships.
But still,
she was bright and positive.
“Can you feel it?
I’m doing well lately.
Look, my hands are warm.”
she said,
placing her hand over mine.
And truly—
they were warm.
！！！！！(ノ・ω・)ノ
That day,
for some reason,
I was blessed with customers more than usual.
I read palms, used tarot cards,
and gave everything I had.
During quiet moments,
I looked at Instagram
and studied “number magic.”
Money codes.
Protection codes.
Codes said to make wishes come true.
Then,
I started writing those symbols on my left arm with a ballpoint pen.
And suddenly,
I felt drawn toward tattoos.
Not dangerous ones.
Not anything criminal.
Just…
as I was leaving my job,
I kept apologizing to the company over and over.
All my life,
I’ve always been apologizing to someone.
Sometimes,
even when I had done nothing wrong.
Maybe I had become someone who automatically bows her head.
And somehow,
I wondered if the Kannon-sama and Fudō-sama
that the organizer believes in
might finally be telling me:
“It’s okay now.”
“You don’t have to keep apologizing anymore.”
Because when I discovered tattoo stickers,
something inside me quietly relaxed.
In Japan,
tattoos are not seen positively.
Long ago,
criminals were marked with tattoos.
So for most of my life,
that was the only image I had of them.
But today,
while drawing codes on my own arm,
I suddenly thought—
maybe using temporary tattoo stickers
could help me separate myself
from the version of me who keeps apologizing all the time.
They disappear after about four days.
And somehow,
that felt right.
People may say it’s inappropriate.
They may judge me.
But strangely,
I felt as if fortune might actually begin turning toward me instead.
Of course,
none of this is logical.
None of it is scientific.
I can’t prove any of it.
And yet—
when those vivid, colorful images descended into my mind,
I felt:
“This must be it.”
And around that same time,
I discovered the music of Nujabes.
The colors I felt inside his music
somehow synchronized
with the colors I imagined in tattoos.
Though—
(´∀｀）💦
I’m not actually getting tattoos! ( ´艸｀)
Just enjoying temporary tattoo stickers.
Maybe that’s something a woman turning fifty is finally allowed to do.
Maybe it’s also proof
that I’ve never fully fit into society.
Maybe people would suddenly reject me for it.
Maybe ordinary company work
is impossible for me now.
Maybe there’s no demand anymore
for a fifty-year-old woman like me.
I don’t know what will happen next.
But tonight,
I don’t feel afraid.
Because until this morning,
all I could think about
was disappearing from this world.
Tomorrow, I hope to wake up feeling well.
And to everyone reading this—
please stay healthy too.
XOXO 💗
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