今の私にできること。
Good evening!
Right now, I don’t have a stable job,
and for the past several days, my body has been feeling quite unwell.
My recent posts have also been rather negative, haven’t they?
Perhaps I was calling it “hell” —
that overwhelming difficulty of simply living
when you have a mental illness.
At the psychiatry department of the university hospital,
my doctor adjusted my medication.
The Brotizolam I had been taking was reduced
from two tablets to one.
It seems that Brotizolam itself can be addictive,
and perhaps it wasn’t the best medication for me.
At first, all I could think about was,
“What if I can’t sleep?”
and I became very anxious.
But after increasing a medication called Trazodone,
I have been able to sleep properly so far.
And that terrifying heaviness I usually feel in the morning
has eased a little.
After leaving my job,
my heart became lighter,
and I have started to calm down a little.
Looking back,
I think I had been pushing myself far too hard.
Today, I received a very small job on Lancers.
It may be tiny,
but someone chose me,
and I get to do the work.
For that, I feel grateful.
Maybe quitting my job was not the smartest decision.
Perhaps it was like pouring oil
onto the road leading me toward hell.
But now, well…
There is nothing I can do about it.
I have been trying hard
to build my fortune-telling work.
Posting on Google Business Profile,
thinking about offering readings on location,
or doing café readings.
And then I suddenly wonder,
“Wait… is what I’m trying to do something like a dating scam?”
And I become startled by myself.
Noooo—!
…(´;ω;｀)…
Making money is not easy.
Even so,
I feel like I am walking through a wilderness.
Well, even if I ask AI,
the answer is probably that I’m 100% doomed.
And yet,
it feels as though the person I am now
is quietly watching myself
as I head toward hell.
Something like that.
Still, for now,
I am grateful that my body can move.
Drinking Yakult,
making fried rice—
what I can do right now
is simply take care of myself.
To protect my health
as much as I can.
Of course,
there are nights when I feel
I may not be able to get through them.
But even if I cannot,
if that is my life,
then perhaps there is nothing I can do.
This morning,
when I put my hands together
and prayed to the Buddha,
tears came to my eyes for some reason.
I want to reach the Buddha safely someday.
I want to somehow finish this lifetime safely.
That is all I can say.
May tomorrow bring a little more strength.
And to all of you,
please…
please…
I hope you are well.
（´∀｀）💖
XOXO☆
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